My little girl stayed home with Daddy today....she wasn't feeling well. Now, I should say that my husband usually splits these sick days with me pretty equally, so the girls feel comfortable with both of us caring for them when they aren't feeling their best. Still, I have it in my head that NO one can care for an ill child the way a Mommy can...Daddy love is awesome too, but Mommy love when you're ill is especially potent! So, knowing that Natalee wasn't feeling 100%, I hoped to catch her at home on my lunch break so I could love on her a bit. But when I arrived, she was out with Daddy, running an errand. After finishing my lunch, I spontaneously wrote her a little note that I taped to the front door. Nothing fancy, just a scribbled note: Natalee, Sorry I missed you! Hope you're having fun with Daddy! I love you! Mommy. When I came home in the evening, she was napping....I crept into her room to watch her sleep and saw in her hand the note I had left, crumpled up in her little fish. When she woke, she padded out to the living room holding the note along with her ever-present stuffed bear and blanket. And wherever she went that night, the note came too. At one point she dropped a few sprinkles of water on the note and apologized for 'ruining the package' I had left her! Before she went to bed, she carefully tucked the note behind the framed picture of her and her sister on the nightstand right next to her bed. By now it was pretty tattered and wrinkled, but there it sat just the same, still precious and prized in her eyes. I mused about her loyalty to this silly note and wondered aloud 'Why in the world does she care about that note so much?"
And then it hit me. That note was tangible evidence of my affection for her. Not that Natalee doesn't have other ways to know how much I care...she receives lots of hugs and kisses and compliments in any given day. But this was different. This was something she could hold in her hands, carry around and view with her eyes, though she can't actually read. I can relate to that. I know that my husband loves me....but I feel extra loved when he shows up with flowers on an ordinary day at work. Or when he brings home a favorite food from the grocery store. Those things don't replace the true affection that has grown after many years together, nor does the absence of those material things mean he loves me any less. Still, the power of those tangible shows of affection is undeniable. Natalee proves it.
Over the past two years, I've prayed many times seeking guidance and clarity from the Lord. I sought His counsel, His wisdom and His insight in many areas of my life, but most especially in the area of my career. I felt like I was floundering with no direction or sense of purpose. And His silence made me feel forgotten and ignored. There were plenty of other things in my life to illustrate how deeply God cared for me....blessings every day let me know that I was not in any way forgotten. Still, I wanted His attention in this particular way. A note would have been lovely. Tangible evidence of His focus on me.
This desire for attention is not limited to Christ. I have longed for it from my Earthly parents, from my friends and siblings, from my husband at times. But I don't think I'm alone in this....every parent can describe the frustration one feels when your toddler stands at your side uttering 'Mommy?' fifty thousand times in a row before they finally gain the parents undivided attention. They do so because they want to feel the world is egocentric for that one moment, that the focus stops on them and stays halted until they've had their fill of the spotlight. This fleshly desire is pretty normal, found in varying degrees in all of us. Fortunately for me, my Father has patience for this need and even indulges it. He leaves me little 'notes' all the time....in the close parking space at the store when I'm in a hurry or the pennies from heaven that come when the budget is tight. My beautiful healthy daughters are two gigantic notes He leaves me each and every morning. And this month, when I started a new job that I feel a strong connection to, I felt as though God has drafted a heartfelt note to me, telling me that He had heard those prayers after all.
John 3:16 says 'For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. That is the loveliest of love notes to leave His children, one that we can read over and over again, a tangible reminder of His deep and faithful affection for each of us. My prayer is that I can clench those notes as tightly as Natalee did mine...that I can hold onto it, carry it around, take it out, turn it over in my hands and feel the consuming love my Father feels for me, just like my child felt tonight.

My daughter lives in two parallel worlds. All kids do, I suppose. Natalee--who is 3--wakes up every morning with one foot in two distinct dimensions. On one hand, she is larger than life. She isn't quite aware that she's just three years old, 33 pounds and three feet tall. In her mind, she could take on the world...no obstacle is too large for her. She proceeds with her day in this mindset, arguing with the giant adults who stand in her way and steamrolling through challenges without breaking a sweat.

On the other hand, my toddler has moments when her size is at the forefront of her mind. When she needs me to lift her up to reach something from a high cupboard or when she needs the stool to brush her teeth, she is painfully aware that she is the smallest person in the house. Every now and then, Natalee will wake in the morning and proclaim 'Look Mommy, I growed while I was sleeping..look my arms are longer!" Her world is constantly shifting in an upward fashion, literally upward where she can see the tops of tables, reach the counter-tops and fill boxes with her now-too-small shoes and clothes. I can see glee on her face when she recognizes the way her body is morphing all the time.

This morning, Natalee had one of those moments when she once again felt her small stature. She came bursting in the room and insisted that her hands had definitely grown last night...and Natalee wanted to show me just how big they were! Since my body stays relatively the same from day to day, I am a good compass on which to compare her own. So she grabbed my hand, and slapped hers up to mine in an effort to illustrated just how much bigger hers had become. Indeed, they had grown:) I wrapped my two hands around her smallish-but-definitely-growing hands, burying them so that they were no longer visible. Natalee complained 'Don't cover my hands Mommy!' I replied 'Don't worry baby....your hands are still under mine, see?'

Covering.....everything still there, just covered. It reminded me of how the Lord covers me all the time. I am still there, underneath, with all my flaws and shortcomings and yet I am constantly covered by His grace and mercy. Smoothing the rough edges, minimizing the flaws, building up the good so that eventually it will overcome the messy stuff that seems so prevalent each day. Maybe adults exist in the same two dimensions that toddlers do...maybe we never grow out of it. Fully feeling our size and our small stature but still thinking we can take on the world. With the covering of a Father, we can. I suppose it's not something we can outgrow. If we strip away all the years and all the junk, we are all just children desperate for the love of a Father, for the support and the covering of a Parent who will care for us eternally.